I am an insufferable bitch.
maybe it's a little bit sad. one time someone said to me "why can't you just be a decent person"? when i was 14 or 15 and it really stuck i think. i mean, not to say that it influenced me thereafter. i just. well, whether or not it was true, i had to keep thinking about it. in many situations, "am i a decent person"? i think that it's alright, i mean, people say such things when they know you too well or are/have been fucking you. i guess they do. i guessed that they did at the time. a decent person. it takes a lot to lose the title of decent person. i don't think that the person remembers saying this. it isn't a source of bitterness, although it could be.
but sometimes it still stings
allergic reaction to an insect sting/bite
it seems like my throat is closing up when i consider this accusation.
it's hard to be a decent person and a teenaged girl. or it's hard to be a decent person and me. or it's hard to feel like you are a decent person when you're me.
and self-image sort of projects itself outwardly.
but i didn't mean it.
i just needed help and sometimes help is not possible.
and i consider it over and over.
it's kind of leading in to this other thing.
a great amount of shame over the smallest things, things that maybe people forgot.
but they might not have.
i recall drunkenness.
and i am ashamed of myself. i am ashamed of my loudness and brashness and willingness to beg everyone to help me or forgive me. i am ashamed that i act like i know people when i don't know them at all.
i am that girl who is in way over her head and i am that girl who is shouting as her shirt is slowly and accidentally revealing a fucking child.
and i think about it all the time and i feel very claustrophobic and hot and i wish sometimes that i could leave town and change my name and let everyone just forget
because i don't know who "everyone" is anymore
and i am so selfish that i am slow and barely even there.
barely there is an underwear company and underwear is indecent.